Wednesday, November 28, 2012

5 Women With Way Bigger Balls Than Most Men

Sure, you have rescued your neighbor's cat from a 6-foot high tree, and you probably stood your ground and didn't flinch when you heard gunshots five miles away. But these women have seen danger, but these women looked danger in the eye, and rather than locate the nearest exit as most of us would have done, decided to kick it in the balls.

3. Joan of Arc

In the 1400’s the French were currently engaging in their favorite past time: fighting with the English.  Only now they were specifically losing to the English, who were occupying good chunks of France.  To add a little lemon juice (at least we hope it was lemon juice) to the paper cut of a life called being French, the French were still trying to recover from the Black Death.  Barring a nice old-fashioned Biblical plague of fiery frogs the French pretty much couldn’t suck more.

Then came Joan of Arc, the only hero named after a shape.

So what did she do?

When Joan was 12 years old Joan starting hearing voices.  Rather than seeking modern medical treatment (which in the 1400s involved some leeches, some holy water and likely a rusty saw) she instead decided to go with it and do what the voices said.   They were telling her to take back France from the English and bring Dauphin to Reims for his coronation.

So she did.

Joan told the local commander what was going to happen in a coming battle (per the voices) and he started listening to her when she proved to be completely right.  She started traveling with the army and wearing the equipment of a knight.  Charles decided to test her by having her relieve the siege of Orleans.  No big deal for a rookie, just end a major battle that’s been raging for five months.  This she accomplished in nine days.

After showing that her balls were bigger than most men’s heads, she demanded to be allowed to fight the British more.  Jean d’Orleans (who apparently had to officially surrender his testicles after being saved by a teenage girl) said no way and ordered the gates locked.  Joan said screw that, summoned her own troops and opened the gates herself, then rode out and captured the fortress of Saint Augustins.  This is the military equivalent of telling a toddler to go to bed and instead he stays up late, cures AIDS and syphilis, then kills Satan with his bare hands.

After finding out the French had decided in a war council to (in classic French style) boldly sit around and wait longer, she proceeded to attack the English stronghold les Tourelles, leading the troops to victory with a fucking arrow sticking out of her neck.

By now even the French realized she was wearing armor to hide the massive twin bulges in her pants and gave her co-command of the army with the Duke of Alençon.  A couple days later she was climbing a ladder to attack a wall when she took a cannonball to the head and not only didn’t die but kept fighting until winning the battle.

Cannonball to the head. If any of you still have your man-cards in possession by now you’re just lying to yourself.

Joan kept consistently kicking English ass until she finally got to Paris.  During this battle all the English could do to her was a crossbow bolt to the leg.  After surviving an arrow to the neck and a cannonball to the head Joan was utterly unimpressed with what would have been a crippling injury to any man.

Well, sadly as mentioned above this was France, who can’t go to war with anybody without eventually proving to history what pussies they are.  On May 23, 1430 the troops were being overrun so she ordered a retreat.  Being the female equivalent of Superman and Jackie Chan combined she stayed behind to protect the retreating troops.  By herself.

Let me say that again in case you missed it: one lone teenage girl protecting the entire French army as it runs away.  You can’t make this stuff up.

She was surrounded by the Burgundians and despite her Frenchness refused to surrender, even after being wounded by arrows (by now she’d developed an immunity).  After capturing her they sold her to the English.  Well, the English tried to keep her but she kept trying to escape, one time even jumping seven stories into a dry moat and again, not dying.

Well, the English were sure glad she wasn’t slaughtering them anymore, but they really didn’t know what to do with her.  She fought honorably, but she’s still a girl and not even the English can stand being beaten by a girl.  So they decided to try her for heresy because she wore men’s clothes.  They found her guilty of cross-dressing and burned her alive.

Don’t ask/don’t tell wasn’t around back then.

After burning her they raked back the coals to expose the charred body so everyone knew she was really, really, for reals dead this time.  But…just to make sure they burned her body again. Then again.

Yes, they burned her three times using the excuse that they didn’t want anyone collecting relics.  But the real reason was after seeing her skewered with arrows three times, shot in the head with a cannonball and falling seven stories they wanted to make sure that this time she was going to stay dead.

When we kill people they stay dead.  Eventually.

They then scattered her ashes of the Rhine, which everyone knows is how you kill the undead.  The man who executed her later said that he "...greatly feared to be damned."  That’s right.  After killing her, burning her three times, and scattering her ashes the English were still fucking still afraid of her.

2. Lyudmila Pavlichenko

When we see a girl with a gun, the first thing that comes up in our male heads is: “LMAO, WTF, a chick with a gun, YARP, YARP, YARP, YARP”. But Lyudmila Pavlichenko is one kickass mean bitch that would prove us that we don’t deserve having balls.

The Woman: Lyudmila was like all other girls in the Soviet Union: very much plain. She was a 24-years-ol student of Kiev University when the Nazis decided to be total dipshits and invaded Soviet Union on June 22th 1941. Like other insane Russians, she rushed to enlist as a soldier. She asked to be a shooter and the recruitment officer laughed at her face, telling her if she rather be a nurse. So, she showed him her boobs to enlist. Just kidding, she showed him her fucking marksmanship certificate, gotten at age 14, proving she already had bigger balls than any other men at that time.

The Badass: She joined the Red Army's 25th Infantry Division and started her career as a Nazi hunter. Two months and a half later, she had 187 Nazis soldiers confirming that she is someone not to be fucked with by being dead. She was transferred to another location where she scored 122 Nazi headshots points, giving her a total of 309 confirmed kills including 36 German top elite snipers. She could have continued but a mortar shell stopped her killing rampage. Being the badass that she is, she survived and became a sniper teacher, teaching others how to shoot for real.

For her service to her country and her ability to fuck up Nazis by putting holes in them, Lyudmila Pavlichenko was promoted to Major, awarded the Gold Star Medal (the USSR's highest honor) and given the title "Hero of the Soviet Union". And she was a girl.

She was one the greatest sniper of all time. And she was a girl. In comparison, remember the movie Enemy at the Gates? Vladimir Zaytsev had 242 confirmed kills. Lyudmila had 309. Beat that.

1. Malala Yousafzai

Remember when you were fourteen? Yeah? For the guys, you sole aim in life was probably getting into your favorite Victoria's Secret model's pants. The girls probably, no definitely, had their heads filled with boy issues and make-up, and we can all agree that school was the last thing on our agenda.
"It's Monday already?"
But not fourteen year old Malala Yousafzai. See, Malala was born in Mingora in the Swat District of Pakistan's Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province, and if there's one thing she likes, it's education. She desired to go to school, except a militant group, who call themselves the Taliban, had previously banned girls from going to school. But she was not to be deterred however, she still went on her normal business of school going, amidst deadly threats, and having to sit on the floor. In her own words:
"I think of it often and imagine the scene clearly. Even if they come to kill me, I will tell them what they are trying to do is wrong, that education is our basic right."
shit's about to get real
She continued defying the Taliban to later blog on CNN about her life under the Taliban, and was filmed in a BBC documentary about a year later for the same cause. She and her friends devised a means to appear inconspicuous while going to school, wearing plain clothes instead of the normal school uniforms. Keep in mind that all this was happening as Girls' schools were being blown up by the Taliban.
"Is that our school? Let's go submit homework!"

Following the documentary, Malala become something of a Pakistani celebrity, pissing the shit off her haters. Death threats were published anonymously in newspapers and slipped under her door. Even on Facebook, fake profiles were created  under her name, coupled with death messages. She paid no heed to any of these, and even vowed to never stop “never stop working for education for girls". This became too much for her friends on the other side, and they unanimously agreed to kill her.
"You said what?"

But it was no laughing matter. On 9 October 2012, a Taliban gunman shot Malala and one other girl as she rode home on a bus after an exam. She was admitted into a military hospital, and after a three-hour operation, doctors successfully removed the bullet that had lodged in her shoulder, near her spinal cord. The Taliban gladly claimed responsibility for the attack on her, adding that Malala "is the symbol of the infidels and obscenity," and that if she survived, they would target her again.

Her doctors have stated that she was stable, but was still battling an infection (a common but potentially serious side effect as a result of cavitating bullet wounds to the neck and skull, which drive bone fragments into tissue).  Whatever that means.

I'm too lazy to write about the others now, so check them out in the links provided below.

And please follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.

Other Great Women: 

Sarah McKinley

18-year old Sarah McKinley shoots and kills one of two intruders who was about to break into her home, in order to save her 3 month old baby.

Harriet Ross Tubman

Harriet Ross Tubman (1820-1913), escapes from captivity as a slave, and makes more than 13 missions to rescue more than 700 others. 

65-year old woman

 In Garden Groove, California, a 65-year old woman fires two round from her handgun, sending 5 robbers armed with rifles scurrying out. The robbers were trying to rob her jewellery store.

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